Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesChelsea: Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.
Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?
Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?
Chelsea: I can't get over how into this baby you are.
Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
Season 7 Please expand this article. Further information might be found in a section of the talk page or at Requests for expansion. Please remove this message once the article has been expanded.
Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
Season 7 Please expand this article. Further information might be found in a section of the talk page or at Requests for expansion. Please remove this message once the article has been expanded.
Chelsea: I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
Chelsea: What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!
Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
Chelsea: Charlie...
[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]
Charlie: Get a good earful?
Berta: No.
Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".
Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
Chelsea: Charlie...
[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]
Charlie: Get a good earful?
Berta: No.
Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".
Chelsea: What the hell did I just swallow?
Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Chelsea: Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?
Charlie: Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.
Charlie: Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.
Cynthia: Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Danielle: You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde.
Dr Pranjeep: [About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
Dr. Freeman: You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.