Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Charlie: You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.
Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.
Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.
Charlie: You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Charlie: You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
Charlie: You like classic rock, right?
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: How about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: How about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
Charlie: You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.
Charlie: You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Charlie: [singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!
Charlie: [singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
Chelsea's mother: Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?
Charlie: God, I love your mom.
Charlie: God, I love your mom.