Charlie: What the hell is this?
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!

Charlie: What'cha doin'?
Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.
Charlie: OK. Why?
Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...
Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?
Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

Charlie: What's so interesting over there?
Jake: Nothing.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.

Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Charlie: Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Charlie: Who loves kids?
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!

Charlie: Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Alan: Stop it!
Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie: Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!

Charlie: With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Charlie: You clear on everything I told you?
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Charlie: You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.