Mia: Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.

Mia: You wanna go upstairs?
Charlie:Not right now.
Mia:Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?

Mia: Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Mia[about Kandi]: Go back with your bimbo.

Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
Jake: He drinks.

Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.
Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Charlie: Yes, but not your own.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.

Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]
Charlie: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Charlie: Not in my house.

Myra: [About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Myra: Really?
Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.

Naomi: I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.
Berta: You can't join the Army.
Naomi: Why not?
Berta: Because you already are all you can be.

Naomi: [She's pregnant] Hi.
Alan: Hi.
Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma!
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Nina: This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.
Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

Norma: Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.