Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesRoger: Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.
Jake: What the heck?
Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.
Jake: What the heck?
Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.
Rose look-alike #3: [knocks on the door]
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
Rose: Boy, you look like hell.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
Rose: Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?
Rose: OK, now it's time for party games.
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
Rose: So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
Rose: The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Rose: What are you doing?
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?
Sherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!