Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesStore clerk: Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.
Teddy: Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.
Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.
TV commercial announcer: So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
Waiter: Can I bring you anything else?
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
Waiter: Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
(In Church)
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)
Jerome: Hey, Jake.
Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.
Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.
Jerome: Hey, Jake.
Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.
Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.
I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...
Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...
Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.