[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]
Charlie: This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Yes, it is.
Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Well, tough. I like it.
Charlie: Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
Alan: I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"
Charlie: Pretty good, huh?
Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]
Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Alan: You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'
Charlie: No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?
Alan: Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!
Charlie: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Alan: Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...
Charlie: Well yeah-
Alan: At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!
Charlie: That part's not my fault!
Alan: Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!
Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts!
Alan: I lost everything!
Charlie: To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
Charlie: It's not funny.
Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.
Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Charlie: Oh.
Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.

[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?

[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!

[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]
Mona: What happened to you?
Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!

[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
Alan: What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?

[after Jake's time with Evelyn]
Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me, too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.

[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.

[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]
Charlie: The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!
Alan: [Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.