Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]
Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!
Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!
[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
Season 4
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
Season 4
[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
[Alan is drinking in the dark]
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.
[Alan is drunk]
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.
[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]
Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.