Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]
Alan: Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
Alan: Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]
Alan: Is this a bad time?
Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Judith: Don't you walk away from me!
Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Alan: Is this a bad time?
Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Judith: Don't you walk away from me!
Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
[Alan rings the doorbell]
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
[at Alan's chiropractic office]
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]
Charlie Harper: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?
Charlie Harper: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?
[at the movie theater]
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]
Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
[At Dr.Freeman office]
Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
[At Dr.Freeman office]
[at the shoe store]
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
[at the strip club]
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
[at the supermarket]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.