[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.

[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]
Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
Alan: I'm not talking to you.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?
Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.

[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Alan: Jake, I said no!
Jake: I didn't do it!
Berta: He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie: What are you staring at?
Jake: Nothing, señor.

[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]
Jake: Have I met this woman before?
Alan: I doubt it.
Jake: She looks familiar.
Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
Alan: He does.
Jake: Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Alan: Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
Jake: That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]
Alan: Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then I don't need to see it.

[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

[Charlie is in bed with three women]
Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.

[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

[Charlie is on the couch, sick]
Charlie: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!
Evelyn: Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.
Charlie: No, it's either a cold or a flu
Evelyn: And this concerns me how?
Charlie: I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.
Evelyn: Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too
[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}
Charlie: That does sound bad.
Evelyn: Oh, it is.
Pedicurist: [In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.
Charlie: What was that?
Evelyn: Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.
[hangs up]

[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Alan: Exactly.

[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?