[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]
Jake: Boxing sucks.
Charlie :As always, you're entitledto your stupid opinion.
Jake: Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!
Charlie: Oh, does that hurt?
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Good.

[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]
Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
Ronald: What?
Berta: You Ronald?
Ronald: No.
Darlene [inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]
Alan [on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.

[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!

[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Alan: Speed Racer?
Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
Charlie: We all are!

[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]
Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Charlie: No.
Chelsea: Why not?
Charlie: Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Chelsea: Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Charlie: Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Chelsea: Yeah?
Charlie: Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
Chelsea: He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea: Please. For me?
Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]
Charlie: Oh, please don't leave!
Alan: Oh, please don't hang up!
Charlie and Alan: I love you!
Berta: And I love you, too.

[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]
Evelyn: Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]
Evelyn: Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]
Charlie: About to sleep with my girlfriend?!
Fernando: OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.

[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yes?
Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

[Herb is gardening]
Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.
Charlie: I like 'em trimmed.

[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]
Judith: WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
Herb: (from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!