[in line at the movie theater]
Alan: So, what do you want?
Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

[in the men's room]
Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]
Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Jake: Sí.

[Jake is doing his homework]
Alan: What about this one?
Jake: That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.
Alan: But why don't you do it anyway.
Jake: Cause I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it!
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is extra.

[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]

[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.

[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]
Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.
Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Right.
Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.
Charlie: I'm sure you have.

[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?
Alan and Charlie: No.

[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie: With your tongue?
Jake: Pretty cool, huh?
Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
Jake: But I'm bored.
Alan: Go read a book.
Jake: I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]
Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]
Jake: Where are we going?
Alan: You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.