Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
[Jerome is looking for his daughter]
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:00am]
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
[Judith is holding salad tongs]
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
[Judith is in labor]
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
[Lydia is in the shower]
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...
[on Alan's screenplay]
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.
[on couples counseling]
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
[on their dinner date with Chelsea and Alan's blind date, who turns out to be Rose]
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
[on their way to the track]
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.
[outside the nightclub]
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.