Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
[while doing laundry]
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.
[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
Charlie: I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.
Operator: Then why are we here?
Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.
Charlie: I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.
Operator: Then why are we here?
Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.