Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons
Season 1
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Season 11
Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.
Peg: Hey, that's our dinner coupons you fat cow.
[The fat women are insulted. A fat woman in a black daisy dress named Gwen confronts Peg.]
Gwen: No. No. No. We.. we don't like to be called FAT!
Peg: Then Stay HOME!
[The fat women are insulted. A fat woman in a black daisy dress named Gwen confronts Peg.]
Gwen: No. No. No. We.. we don't like to be called FAT!
Peg: Then Stay HOME!
Peg: Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?
Al: (looking at the phone bill) Hey we qualify for the gold bill, family! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.
Al: Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That sounds like the town they centered around your mother, eh, Peg?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?
Al: (looking at the phone bill) Hey we qualify for the gold bill, family! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.
Al: Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That sounds like the town they centered around your mother, eh, Peg?
Peg: Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
Al: What, you're gonna get worse?
Al: What, you're gonna get worse?
Peg: How long do you think it will take them?
Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
Peg: I sure hope Al does not wise up to the fact that is he is legally entitled to half his money.
Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
Peg: I want a vacation.
Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
Peg: Is it dead, Al?
Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Al: Nah, now it's personal.
Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Al: Nah, now it's personal.
Peg: It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!
Al: The gas chamber?
Al: The gas chamber?