Al: How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Al: Yeah, my favorite.
Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.

Al: I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.

Al: It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
Peg: The woman died in your store?
Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.

Al: My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.

Al: Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

Al: See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.
Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
Al: When you're on life support.

Al: This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.
Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

Al: You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Bud: Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
Kelly: For a Canadian penny?

Bud: This is so low! It says here that you're both six months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus!
Kelly: Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?
Peg: I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.
Kelly: Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.
Bud: Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!
Kelly: Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?

Cal: Did you play pro ball?
Al: Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.
Cal: Knee?
Al: Marriage.

Gary: I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?

Inspector: Mr.Bundy, you had a month to get this place in shape.
Al: You had your whole life to get yourself in shape and you don't see me condeming you.

Jefferson: Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it -- the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

Kelly: Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
Peg: What's it look like?
Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.