Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Al: [walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.
Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.
Peg: Sex?
Al: No! Baseball cards.

Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
Peg: You got a night job?
Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.

Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al: I welcome death!

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud: Sure.
Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.