Al: [Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?
Kelly: How much did they cut off, Daddy?

Al: Al Bundy, all class, all the time.
Aaron: Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?
Al: I was.
Aaron: I thought you died in Vietnam.
Al: Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

Al: Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.
[the men agree]
Bob: We've been called pigs.
Pete: We've been called scum.
Jefferson: We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Or at least I have.
Al: But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have a list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and we're going to perform television's first sexorcism.
[A tied up Jerry Springer is nervous and tries to back away from Al and the members of No MA'AM. The male audience cheers]
Al: Tell them what that is Jefferson.
Jefferson: [removes mask] My name's Hank.
Al: Right. Sorry Hank
Jefferson: That's ok Al.
[the men look at him wierd]'
Jefferson: Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.
[Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]
Jefferson: A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."
[the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]

Al: Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.

Al: It doesn't work any more, Peg.
Peg: What doesn't work?
Al: It.
Peg: How can you tell?
Al: I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns -- nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Al: It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat!

Al: Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.

Al: New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?
Peg: Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Al: Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.

Al: Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
Al: Be serious, Peg.

Al: Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean -- you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."

Al: See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

Al: Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you too every now and then.

Announcer: It's time for Jerry Srpinger, the mas......
[Peg and the kids are watching the screene that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
Al: Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheered]
Al: I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
Kelly: That guy played football in high school.
Bud: That is dad, bonehead. [points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]

Bud: [Bud walks in to find Kelly putting out the fire on the remains of the sofa] Whos going to tell mom about this? Oh wait, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."