Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7
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Season 11
Bud: And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
Peg: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peg: Well I guess so.
Peg: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peg: Well I guess so.
Bud: I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.
Kelly: And do you really think thier going to believe that?
Kelly: And do you really think thier going to believe that?
Doctor: This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.
Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.
Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.
Kelly: Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?
Bud: Sure. You can find me a woman who wont say no.
Kelly: So there's no way then.
Bud: Sure. You can find me a woman who wont say no.
Kelly: So there's no way then.
Kelly: This is the lowest thing I've ever done. Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. Okay, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy.
Kelly: Well this is just as much your fault. If you had of doubted me like you always do this never would have happened.
Bud: Nice try Pyronymph!
Bud: Nice try Pyronymph!
Marcy: Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
Marcy: OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, boys!
[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Tie him back up, I hate that guy!
[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Tie him back up, I hate that guy!
Marcy: The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.
Peg: Al, guess what I got?
Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
Peg: Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.
Bud: Well, how come?
Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.
Bud: Well, how come?
Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.
Whisper: [Al sits int he basement, head in his hands] If you build it he will come. If you want them to build it for you, Press 1.
[Al is fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid.]
Enid: See, I told you I was a four.
Al: No ma'am, fore is what you when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll teel you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.
Enid: See, I told you I was a four.
Al: No ma'am, fore is what you when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll teel you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.
[Peg has just given Al a gift of herself in a negligee.]
Peg: So tell me, Al, what do you really think.
Al: Well I think you look....
Al's Wife-O-Meter: I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)
Al: Nice.
Peg: So tell me, Al, what do you really think.
Al: Well I think you look....
Al's Wife-O-Meter: I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)
Al: Nice.