Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6
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Season 11
Al: Bud, did you do this? [short pause] Oh God look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot!
[Al walks towards the mirror & looks at himself]
Al: I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, God never made a nicer butt.
[Peg walks in, sees Al grabbing his butt and leaves silently]
[Al walks towards the mirror & looks at himself]
Al: I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, God never made a nicer butt.
[Peg walks in, sees Al grabbing his butt and leaves silently]
Al: Don't mind me, son, just avoiding your mother. Hey now, what's this? Hooters, absolutely no faces.
Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it, Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that--with love--from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.
Bud: I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.
[Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt]
Peg: You really should talk to Daddy.
[Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt]
Peg: You really should talk to Daddy.
Kelly: Did something die in here?
Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
Bud: And nobody does it better.
Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
Bud: And nobody does it better.
Peg: I sure hope Al does not wise up to the fact that is he is legally entitled to half his money.
Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.
Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.
[Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]
Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Al: Not secret enough, son.
Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Al: Not secret enough, son.
[The Dodge stops at Springfield on a map]
Gas Station Attendant: Fill 'er up, sir?
Al: Nope. Making a delivery.
[Toilet flushes]
[The Dodge then stops at Nashville]
[Someone not speaking English]
Al: Yeah, whatever.
[Toilet flushes again]
[The Dodge then stops in Altanta]
Announcer: And the Atlanta Braves take the field.
[The toilet flushes for a third time]
Gas Station Attendant: Fill 'er up, sir?
Al: Nope. Making a delivery.
[Toilet flushes]
[The Dodge then stops at Nashville]
[Someone not speaking English]
Al: Yeah, whatever.
[Toilet flushes again]
[The Dodge then stops in Altanta]
Announcer: And the Atlanta Braves take the field.
[The toilet flushes for a third time]