Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.

Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No, but maybe first.

Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
[Kelly opens the front door]
Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
Bud{initimated}: You passed.

Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
Al: That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.

Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

Bud: Boondy, Al Boondy.

Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

Bud: You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.
Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr Bundy.

Dr. Kessler: What do you make of this?
Janitor: I'm going to need a bigger mop.
Bud: [In machine on other side of glass] Honk, Honk!
Janitor: A nuch bigger mop!