Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3
Season 4
Season 5
Season 6
Season 7
Season 8
Season 9
Season 10
Season 11
Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it -- maybe -- because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it -- maybe -- because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!
Al: [ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.
A big woman: (to Al) Hey! You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan.
Al: Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.
Woman: (Sobs) Oh!
Al: Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.
Woman: (Sobs) Oh!
Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody -- shoot me!
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody -- shoot me!
Al: [Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?
Kelly: How much did they cut off, Daddy?
Kelly: How much did they cut off, Daddy?
Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!
Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?
Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.
Al and Peg's neighbor: I've been peeped too, it was horrible!
Al: How was it for you?
Season 4
Al: How was it for you?
Season 4
Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.