Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.
Al:[picks up a size 7 shoe) These are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, youre a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.
Fat Woman: You're very FRESH?!
Al: No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I should've beeen easing them in the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.
Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".
Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.
Fat Woman: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al: You already got one.

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful -- like that girl on TV -- I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
Steve: The French?
[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Steve: It's not just a car, honey -- it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Al: You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.