Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it -- maybe -- because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family -- and try not to laugh.

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful -- like that girl on TV -- I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
Steve: The French?
[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

Al: You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.
Al:[picks up a size 7 shoe) These are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, youre a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.
Fat Woman: You're very FRESH?!
Al: No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I should've beeen easing them in the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.
Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".
Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.
Fat Woman: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al: You already got one.

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?!