Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3
Season 4
Season 5
Season 6
Season 7
Season 8
Season 9
Season 10
Season 11
Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.
Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.
Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Season 2
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Season 2
Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.
Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?
Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?
Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
Steve: It's not just a car, honey -- it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.