Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody -- shoot me!

Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.
Season 5

Al: Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. (sobs) Oh, God. What a charade! (looks at Peggy) Oh, God!

Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?
Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Al: Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and... (looks at Peggy) having sex with our spouses.

Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...
[Dissolve to later.]
Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
[Dissolve to still later.]
Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie...but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!

Boy: I want my mommy.
Al: Yeah, so does your dad's brother.
(After Buck Returns Home Wuth A Letter In His Mouth) Kelly:Here Look It's Buck Peg:Didn't He Go Camping With The Boys Kelly:(Notices The Letter) He's Carrying Something In His Mouth (Buck Growls) Peg:I'll Guess He'll Give It To Us When Hes Good And Ready Peg And Kelly Walk Away Leaving Buck Laying Down On The Couch) (After Kelly Wins At Poker By Cheating) Peg:Kelly I Saw You Cheating Kelly:Okay Mom What Is It? Your Usual 50% Peg: Lets Make It 60 That Way You Learned Your Lesson

Bud: Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?
Al: Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Bud: Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
(Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.)
Al: Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
Kelly (muttering as she gets out): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.

Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.