Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
Peg: Oh, of course not!
Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Bud: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
Peg: I want a Cadillac.
Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
Bud: I want a Porsche.
Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
Al: Wet a bed.

Kelly: Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
(Kelly gets out.)
Kelly: I didn't get any.
(Al sighs)
Al: Kelly, get back in the car.
(Al looks under the hood)
Kelly (to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
Bud (offhand): Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
Kelly (pouting): Where was I?

Kelly: My birthday is in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.
Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna. He was not the one wearing a miniskirt!

Man: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?
Al: If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.

Marcy: God, I hate men!
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

Peg: Al, just call a roofer.
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.