Married... with Children quotes

396 total quotes



Fat woman: How dare you say that to my face?
Al: I'd say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!

Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.

Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
Peg: That's why life stinks.

Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.

Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight skirt]
Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on auto.

Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.
Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?
Season 10

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.

Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.

Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
Al: And you guys.

Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to--
Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

Peg: Al, I think this thing is broken.
Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.

Peg: Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
Al: It's not all mud; some of it is colon.

Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.

TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!