Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.

Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?
Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.

Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

Peg: Is it dead, Al?
Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Al: Nah, now it's personal.

Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
Al: Yeah...
Peg: I bet she had great legs.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: And good breasts.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs?
Al: Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?
Peg: Oh, yeah!
Al: ...Okay.

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
Steve: WHAT?!
Al: A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.
Steve: I cannot believe this.
Al: Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Steve: What do you mean?
Al: Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
Steve: I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
Season 3

Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator
Steve {stern voice}: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!
Al: Yeah.
Steve {pleasant voice}: Thanks, Al!
Steve opens can of beer with Al

[After returning from the bowling riot]
Al: Did you hear something on the news?
Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
Al: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

[Al and Peg are posing as Steve and Marcy Rhoades on a game show named "How Do I Love Thee".]
Bink: Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?
Al: What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!
Bink: Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. He's a shoe salesman. She's a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.
[Steve and Marcy comes out posing as Al and Peg.]