Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
Charlie: Hey... Great...to see you...again.
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
Charlie: How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
Charlie: How much you looking to spend?
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Charlie: Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.
Charlie: I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?
Charlie: I have to tell you something.
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."
Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
Season 8
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
Season 8