Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Charlie: I think I might be in love with Mia.
Alan: Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.

Charlie: I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]

Charlie: I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Charlie: I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!
Alan: You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Charlie: Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Alan: Come on, look at his point of view.
Charlie: What's his point of view?
Alan: Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Charlie: I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.
Jake: Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Charlie: Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
Jake: I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
Rose: You called?
Season 2

Charlie: I'm not jealous!
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...

Charlie: I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.
Evelyn [to Alan]: Drunk?
Alan: He says no.
Berta: I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
Charlie: I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?