Charlie: It's just money, Alan.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Charlie: Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.

Charlie: Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Alan: Um...
Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Alan: Define "chronic".

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Charlie: Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?

Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Charlie: Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Charlie: Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.
Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?
Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...
Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?
Charlie: What?
Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.
Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan: Stay out of my room.

Charlie: Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.

Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Charlie: Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.

Charlie: Nice, huh?
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Charlie: No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.