Charlie: Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.
Rose: Wow.
Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!

Charlie: Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.
Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!
Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

Charlie: Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Alan: Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Alan: Nice, but I can top it.
Charlie: Go.
Alan: It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
Charlie: We gotta go get Jake.

Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.

Charlie: Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.
Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.

Charlie: Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Herb: Zing!

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at 6.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

Charlie: Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.