Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?
Charlie: Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
Charlie: That is different. Way different.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
Charlie: That is different. Way different.
Charlie: She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Charlie: She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
Charlie: Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
Charlie: Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!
Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Charlie: So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
Charlie: So what's the plan?
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.
Charlie: So where's your friend?
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Charlie: So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
Charlie: So, once again, what are you up to?
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.