Charlie: Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?
Alan: Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?

Charlie: Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.
Jake: I'm not a pirate.
Charlie: You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Jake: Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]
Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
Alan: [scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Charlie: Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Charlie: Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie: Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie: Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?

Charlie: Hey, Jake...
Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Chelsea: What?
Jake: I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

Charlie: Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
Alan: I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Charlie: Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Alan: Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Charlie: Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.
Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!
Jake: Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.
Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.