Charlie: Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?
Evelyn: Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
Charlie: This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
Evelyn: So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
Charlie: OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
Evelyn: What do we call it, darling?
Charlie: We don't call it anything!
Evelyn: Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
Charlie: I may never have sex again.
Evelyn: Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?

Charlie: Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working".

Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

Charlie: But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.
Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
Alan: How?
Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.

Charlie: Can we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.

Charlie: Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.
Alan: I don't need to land anyone in any game.
Charlie: Fine, I'm here if you need me.
Alan: I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?
Jake: My soccer coach sings a lot now.
Alan: Why?
Jake: No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.
Alan: Oh, all right.
Jake: I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?
Alan: Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy.

Charlie: Did she [Rose] just use the front door?
Alan [staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She never used the front door before.
Alan [still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?
Charlie: Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
Alan: What do you think she's gonna do?
Charlie: The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Charlie: Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

Charlie: Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?
Alan: It's not a lifetime yet!
Charlie: I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.
Alan: He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!

Charlie: Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.
Alan: Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!
Charlie: I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!
Alan: But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.
Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!
Alan: Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?
Berta: Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.

Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie: Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."