Kitty: Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!
Laurie: Yeah. Mother, I went there.
Kitty: No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

Kitty: Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.
Bob: Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.
Kitty: Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.
Bob: Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?
Red: Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.
Kitty: Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?
Red: Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.
Kitty: Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)
Red: Kitty?
Bob: She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?
Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.
Eric: [coughs] Slut!
Kitty: Bless you.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]
Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Leo: So, do you like photos, man?
Hyde: Yeah, man. Sure.
Leo: Okay, you got the job, man.
Hyde: Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?
Leo: No one else showed up, man.
Hyde: So, what do I do here, anyway?
Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Hyde: Or even better, I could take a picture.
Leo: Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.
Hyde: Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.
Leo: No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.
Hyde: Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?
Leo: Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.
Hyde: Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?
Leo: Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?
Hyde: Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.
Leo: Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!

Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground -- you be there!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5:00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?
Leo: What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Fez: Me no speakas English.
Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?
Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Eric: We're... getting beer.
Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez: Me no understando.
Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo: What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Mountie #1: Been there.
Mountie #2: Done that.
Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Mountie #1: Wee foobie...
Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... [frightened] Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.
Hyde: No man, it's Clapton.
Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: [To Kelso] I want to kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

Red: [catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?
Kitty: I'M STARVING!

Red: [reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn't food ... this is what food eats!