Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It's fun! So guess what -- Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.
Hyde: Shut up, you little twizzler!
Eric: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

Eric: I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Donna: Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
Eric: Okay, I'm not following.
Donna: I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
Eric: You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
Donna: (gasps) One of Red's beers?
Eric: There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Red: Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Eric: Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
Red: You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
Eric: No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
Red: No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Eric: Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Donna: Chug it Eric.
Eric: Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.

Eric: It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.

Eric: Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.

Hyde: I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.
Jackie: Say Flowchart again.

Jackie: Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.
Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.
Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything!
Kelso: Then say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: BURN!

Kelso: [repeated line] You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

Red: [To Kelso] I want to kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!

W.B.: So, Steven, how was your first day?
Hyde: Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.
W.B.: [laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!

[After Donna refuses to wear bikini]
Sizzling Sarah: Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!
Eric: Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!

[After Donna's boss fires her]
Eric: I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio

[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
Eric: I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]
Leo: Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
Waitress: [smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
Leo: In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.
Eric: You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

[Eric receives a call]
Eric: Hello?
Jackie: Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Jackie: Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.
Eric: Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.
Jackie: No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.
Eric: Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!