Donna: Okay, we're back, and uh, if my boyfriend's listening, you're late and I'm a little worried you're trapped in a snowdrift or something. So, honey, if you're cold, I'm with you, baby. Okay, so let's take some requests, hello, you're on the air.
Girl at Dance: Hi, I'd like to dedicate He's the Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.
Donna: What? He's still at the dance?
Girl at Dance: Sorry, I have to go. He's telling us about his boat.
Donna: That sneaky bastard. Uh, that sneaky bastard Santa Claus is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes, and remember, you're listening to WFPP with me, Hot Donna. [sizzling sound] You hear that, Eric Forman? That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.

Eric: Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.

Eric: Mitch! Congratulations this seems like the perfect job for someone your size what with the free lodging in the castle on hole six.
Mitch: Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

Fez: Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Fez: Bitch.

Jackie: Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner -- oh, and some kids that took Latin.
Hyde: This is fun.
Brooke: So how do you all know each other?
Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Hyde: Then I stole her from him.
Brooke: Wait -- what?
Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.
Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Jackie: That's not helping.
Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]
Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

Jackie: Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
Kelso: She has to. They're in love.
Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.

Kelso: That's a burn about a burn, that's a second-degree burn.

Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm -- so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!

Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground -- you be there!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5:00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!

Red: [referring to Fez's impending questioning by the INS] And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government.
Fez: Okay, that's it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!
Red: Don't sass me, Tarzan.

[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Michael, we have to talk.
Kelso: Yeah? About what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me.
[to Fez]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Donna]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Kelso: [To everyone calmly] Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!

[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]
Kitty: Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
Red: [overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
Kitty: There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Red: Yes I did.
Kitty: No you didn't.
Red: Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]

[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Eric: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.
Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric: Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]

[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Eric: Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
Donna: So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.