That '70s Show quotes
0 total quotes[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle. [Scene change] MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle. [Scene change] MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
[Fez is absent from the Circle after Kelso and Fez have a falling out.]
Eric: Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
Eric: Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
[Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the police academy. Officer Kennedy sees the trio]
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso: He's a good man.
Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso: He's a good man.
Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Fez: You look dorky.
Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
Hyde: And you brought me flowers?
Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
Fez: You look dorky.
Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
Hyde: And you brought me flowers?
Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric: I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso: One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric: I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso: One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of Mt.Hump. Kelso is sitting in a canoe.]
Hyde: Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso: [holds up paddle] Duh.
Fez: Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso: Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
Hyde: I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso: Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Hyde: Falling for what?
Kelso: The old helmet gag.
Hyde: Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
Hyde: Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso: [holds up paddle] Duh.
Fez: Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso: Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
Hyde: I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso: Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Hyde: Falling for what?
Kelso: The old helmet gag.
Hyde: Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
[Jackie and Hyde are making out on Donna's bed]
Jackie: Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
Hyde: You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
Donna: How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
Jackie: You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
Donna and Eric: Puddin' Pop?
Hyde: Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
Fez: We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Hyde: Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Jackie: Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!
Jackie: Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
Hyde: You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
Donna: How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
Jackie: You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
Donna and Eric: Puddin' Pop?
Hyde: Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
Fez: We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Hyde: Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Jackie: Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!
[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
[Midge returns]
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Season 7
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Season 7
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!