Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting!
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Jackie: I'm waiting.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
Jackie: Thank you!

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
[Red walks in]
Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home.

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

[The guys are smoking in the basement]
Kelso: I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!