[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]
Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Are you giving back that ring?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]
Season 4

[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!
Red: [to Fez]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?
[Fez pretends to grab Kitty's breast]
Kitty: What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.
[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]
Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!
[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]
Red: And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off you, dopey, dope-fiend face!
Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.
Red: Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!
Season 8

Jackie: Say it.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Jackie: Again.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Jackie: Again.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Fez: Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...
Kelso: [takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!
Jackie: Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]

Bea: So what were you saying dear?
Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!
Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?
Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.
Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]
Donna: What the hell did that mean?
Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?
Leo: What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Fez: Me no speakas English.
Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?
Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Eric: We're... getting beer.
Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez: Me no understando.
Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo: What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Mountie #1: Been there.
Mountie #2: Done that.
Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Mountie #1: Wee foobie...
Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

Eric: Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.
Kelso: Yeah we kinda expected that.
Hyde: Thought you said you had news.
Eric: Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]
Donna: Oh my God!
Kelso: Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric: Why?
Kelso: Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!
Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.
Donna: Technically I got you. And then you blew it.
Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.
Donna: Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]
Hyde: That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.
Donna and Kelso: How soft is he Hyde?
Hyde: Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!
Kelso: Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

Bob: And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.
Kitty: She said no?
Eric: Can you do that?
Red: No.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Eric: Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.
Kitty: [in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.
Bob: The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.
Eric: There is?
Red: No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Nina: Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]

Jackie: See, I think it's stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.

Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.

Eric: Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
Laurie: What are you talking about, loser?
Eric: The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
Fez: [whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Hyde: Shh. Pretend it's TV.
Eric: Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
Eric: You stuffed in high school.
Laurie: So did you.
Eric: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--
Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Hyde: What?
Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
Eric: It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

Donna: Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says "Woodstock"?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: Really.
Kitty: Hmmm.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?
Red: A-HA!
Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

[After Donna's boss fires her]
Eric: I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio