Bea: So what were you saying dear?
Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!
Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?
Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.
Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]
Donna: What the hell did that mean?
Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.

Eric: [To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.
Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.
Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.

Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.
Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez: No party, no pooper.
Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.
Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

Jackie: See, I think it's stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.

Jackie: You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!
Hyde: ...I'm not saying it back!

Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
Fez: I'm hooked.

Kitty: Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.
Donna: Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.

Kitty: Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]
Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

Red: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .
Kitty: Just say it Red, barren!
Red: Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Kitty: Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
Red: No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His? mother got run over by a car.
Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?!

Roy: I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we're lookin' for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They'll just leave me like everybody else.
Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Roy: Yeah, I'm teeterin' on the brink.
Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin' to cheer you up.
Roy: Really? Oh, that'd be great.
Cut to the three of them in The Circle:
Roy: So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone's tellin' me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Hyde: Okay Roy, here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I'm not gonna work very hard, and you're gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it'll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Roy: Great! And if it's work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.

[After Eric brings up Luke Skywalker to a conversation about getting Donna in California]
Red: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!
Eric: Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Red: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.