Bob: And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.
Kitty: She said no?
Eric: Can you do that?
Red: No.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Eric: Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.
Kitty: [in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.
Bob: The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.
Eric: There is?
Red: No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

Eric: [speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Donna: No way!
Eric: Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Fez: My lips are sealed.
Eric: Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
Hyde: You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Eric: Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
Donna, Fez and Hyde: Your secret's safe with me.

Eric: Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.
Kelso: Yeah we kinda expected that.
Hyde: Thought you said you had news.
Eric: Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]
Donna: Oh my God!
Kelso: Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric: Why?
Kelso: Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!
Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.
Donna: Technically I got you. And then you blew it.
Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.
Donna: Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]
Hyde: That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.
Donna and Kelso: How soft is he Hyde?
Hyde: Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!
Kelso: Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
Jill: Why are you friends with him?
Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

Fez: Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

Jackie: Michael...
Kelso: [groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?
Jackie: Yes, you are.
Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie: Yes, we are.
Kelso: Cool. Where's Donna?
Jackie: WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]

Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]

Rhonda: [hugs Fez] Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!
Fez: Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!
Rhonda: Not if I can do something about it!
Fez: You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!

Theo: I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.
Leo: It's true, man.
Theo: I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-
Kitty: Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.
Theo: Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.
Red: Well, I'm sold.

[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]
Alternate Eric: Ow!
Alternate Kitty: Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.
Eric: Brother? What the hell?
Angel: Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.
Alternate Red: Now, son, what do we call Eric?
Jake: Dumbass!
Alternate Red: There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]
Fez: Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.
Unknown Girl No 1: So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?
Unknown Girl No 2: I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?
Unknown Girl No 3: It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.
Unknown Girl No 4: I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.
Big Rhonda: You gonna eat that?
Unknown Girl No 5: I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.
Unknown Girl No 6: My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?
Unknown Girl No 7: Okay. So guess which leg's real.
Unknown Girl No 8: I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.
Fez: So? What do you think?
Hyde: You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.
Fez: No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.
Hyde: Yeah. Right.

[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]
Donna: Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]
Eric: [paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
Donna: Okay.
Eric: What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
Donna: So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.
Jackie: Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
Eric: No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!

[at the Point Place 1988 high-school reunion]
Alternate Eric: [hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?
Eric: Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.
Angel: I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.
Alternate Eric: No, seriously, you had Donna?
Eric: Look, we broke up. You're much better off.
Alternate Eric: Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]
Eric: Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]
Alternate Eric: So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?
Angel: Alright, listen closely: NO!

[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]
Eric: Hey.
Donna: 'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?
Eric: Well, what do you have to say to me?
Donna: Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'
Eric: I'm not wrong!
Donna: You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]
Eric: Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!

[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]
Kelso: Oops, sorry!
Donna: [covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!
Kelso: Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!
Donna: [grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]
Kelso: They're beautiful...[collapses]