[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]
Eric: Hey...leggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!
[Eric drops the waffle]

[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]
Eric: Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.
Penny: Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]
Kitty: Penny, there's no rat...
Penny: [jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!
Eric: No, I was...
Red: Eric, step away from your cousin.
Eric: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
Penny: I'm not adopted.
Eric: Wh-What? What? She's lying!
Kitty: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking?
Red: And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.
Penny: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
Eric: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
Penny: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Eric: Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Eric: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Kitty: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

[Eric invites Stacey to dinner at his house]
Stacey: At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.
Eric: Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and to twirls her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?
Stacey: You know if he's seeing anyone?
Eric: Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

[Fez has just fantasized a musical performance of the whole gang singing 'Sing a Song']
Fez: So what do you think?
Leo: I think whatever you're on I'll take two of em!

[Fez is having another fantasy where he is part of the Forman family]
Kitty: Okay kids it's nighty night time.
Eric Night mom.
Hyde: Night mom!
Fez: That's my mama!
Eric: I love you Fez.
Hyde: I love you more!
Red: I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.
Kitty: Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!
All three boys: Awwwww!

[Flashback to 1968]
Young Eric: Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.
Young Hyde: Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.
Young Eric: Okay, Steven.
Young Hyde: And it's Hyde.
Young Eric: Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?
Young Hyde: That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.
[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]
Kitty: Well, now, who do we have here?
Young Eric: This is Hyde.
Kitty: Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!
Young Hyde: I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.
Red: Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!
Kitty: Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]
Red: I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]
Young Hyde: If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]
[Returns to the present]
Hyde: Now I have to kill you.

[Hyde and Fez have just discovered that Leo actually has no million-dollar inheritance]
Fez: There is no money, you son of a bitch!
Leo: Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.
Fez:: [to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.
Parrot: But, FEZ!
Fez: I said, good day!

[Jackie and Donna are not too pleased about Penny attracting much of the boys' attention]
Jackie: Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.
Donna: I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.
Jackie: Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?
Donna: Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]
Jackie: Rhonda? How did you get in?
Big Rhonda: I used my key.
Jackie: Michael, why don't I got a key?
Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
Photographer: Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
Kelso: [sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Jackie: Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
Kelso: No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
Jackie: I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Kelso: Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
Jackie: B-But.
Photographer: OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Jackie: Todd, what are you doing here?
Todd: I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
Jackie: Yeah, I think so.
Todd: Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
Jackie: You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]
Kelso: 72936.... ampersand?
Eric: Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.
Kelso: You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
Jackie: [sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah, I worked a double shift.

[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]
Kelso: [As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.
Red: [After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!
Kelso: Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]
Red: [Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!
Kelso: Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]
Kelso: Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.
Max: Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?
Daniel: [cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.
Max: Oh God.
Daniel: [walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
Red: What the hell?
Kitty: Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Red: Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Red: Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
Bob: What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Red: Bob, are you drunk?!
Bob: I'm not sober!