Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.
Eric: Here, take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such a... perfect couple.
Jackie: I'm cold, too.
Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!

Donna: Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says "Woodstock"?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Eric and Hyde [to Shirley Jones]: Hi, Mom!
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.
Eric: We're Partridges now!
Hyde: This is gonna be great! I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
Kitty: No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet!

Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: Really.
Kitty: Hmmm.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?
Red: A-HA!
Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Fez: While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

Kitty: Look what I've got!
Laurie: Ew. What's that?
Kitty: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Laurie: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Kitty: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.
Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric: Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?
Leo: What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Fez: Me no speakas English.
Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?
Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Eric: We're... getting beer.
Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez: Me no understando.
Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo: What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Mountie #1: Been there.
Mountie #2: Done that.
Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Mountie #1: Wee foobie...
Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: [reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn't food ... this is what food eats!

Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]
Eric: So where was I for fun time?