Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Eric: [speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Donna: No way!
Eric: Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Fez: My lips are sealed.
Eric: Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
Hyde: You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Eric: Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
Donna, Fez and Hyde: Your secret's safe with me.

Eric: [To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.
Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.
Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
Kelso: What?
Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.
Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
Hyde: Get up and make it better!
Kelso: Fine!
[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
Hyde: Hey, Kelso!
Kelso: [weakly] Yeah?
Hyde: How's it look from down there?!
Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.

Eric: Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.

Eric: Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.
Kelso: Yeah we kinda expected that.
Hyde: Thought you said you had news.
Eric: Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]
Donna: Oh my God!
Kelso: Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric: Why?
Kelso: Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!
Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.
Donna: Technically I got you. And then you blew it.
Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.
Donna: Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]
Hyde: That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.
Donna and Kelso: How soft is he Hyde?
Hyde: Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!
Kelso: Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It's fun! So guess what -- Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.
Hyde: Shut up, you little twizzler!
Eric: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

Eric: I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Donna: Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
Eric: Okay, I'm not following.
Donna: I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
Eric: You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
Donna: (gasps) One of Red's beers?
Eric: There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Red: Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Eric: Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
Red: You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
Eric: No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
Red: No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Eric: Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Donna: Chug it Eric.
Eric: Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
Donna: I'm sorry.
Eric: Yeah, me too.

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!