Eric: It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.

Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.
Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez: No party, no pooper.
Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.
Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Eric: Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.

Eric: Mitch! Congratulations this seems like the perfect job for someone your size what with the free lodging in the castle on hole six.
Mitch: Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

Eric: Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
Laurie: What are you talking about, loser?
Eric: The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
Fez: [whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Hyde: Shh. Pretend it's TV.
Eric: Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
Eric: You stuffed in high school.
Laurie: So did you.
Eric: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--
Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Hyde: What?
Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
Eric: It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: Really.
Kitty: Hmmm.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?
Red: A-HA!
Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

Eric: You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That's right. Consequences, my friend. Yeah, consequences. Now my car's gone and Red's high as a kite.

Fez: First, let me grab your melons.
Jackie: Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?
Fez: Yeah, here grab my banana.
Jackie: Ooh, it's so big.
Don Knotts: Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.