Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
Jill: Why are you friends with him?
Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

Fez: Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Fez: Bitch.

Fez: Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Fez: So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?
Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie: YES!!!
Fez: Oh I don't believe you!
[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]
Fez: Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!
[Person slams door in his face]

Fez: While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

Frank: Number 10, your order is ready.
Kelso: Yeah, I'll be right there.
Frank: Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.
Kelso: Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!
Frankie: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You have both your legs Frank...
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Hyde: I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.
Jackie: Say Flowchart again.

Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Kelso: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna: Because he's stupid.
Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.

Hyde: So where's Donna, man?
Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
Eric: She went home this morning.
Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
Eric: So let's just say she went home a very happy woman.

Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Hyde: Wait a minute, you're 18?
Kelso: Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.
Hyde: You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!
Fez: [Gasps] You bastard.
Kelso: Well, Eric ruined your life.
Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Jackie: Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.
Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.
Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything!
Kelso: Then say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: BURN!