[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
Red: What are you, an animal?

[Red faces Hyde in the basement over him tapping to the cable TV]
Red: What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!
Hyde: Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
Hyde: Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.
Red: Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]

[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
Red: This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.

[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.

[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]

[The gang is hanging out in Hyde's room]
Jackie: Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Fez: Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Jackie: Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Hyde: Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.

[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]
Hyde: Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
Donna: Hyde, what did he say?
Hyde: He said he's really sorry.
Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?

[Two girls approach Eric]
Random Girl #1: Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Eric: Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
Random Girl #2: I guess now you really fill it out!
Eric: Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
Random Girl #2: No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
Random Girl #1: You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
Eric: No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
Kelso: You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
Eric: No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Hyde: Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.